Yeah... its an odd title for a journal entry, isn't it? I won't try to bore anyone with the details.

Today... my girlfriend of 4 years, on and off, broke up with me. And I'll be honest... the only thing keeping me from crying was my own pride. I didn't want to cry infront of my nephews and neice. I guess I've sort of seen it coming. I was affraid for a long time... Maybe the last week or so, it was the little things tipping me off. She didn't seem to enjoy my company, or not as much. She would talk about this "friend" of hers, who wanted to buy her things, liked everything I didn't like... I guess I should've been okay when it happened.

But I wasn't. And I'll never be okay with it, not completely. I do love her. That hasn't changed. I don't know if it ever will change. I think, somewhere inside her, she still loves me, to some degree. But it still hurts. I don't blame her for it. I don't blame anyone except myself for setting my expectations too high. No one could've met them. "Forever" just doesn't exist. I wish it did, and I wish this didn't happen. But it did happen, and all the begging, pleading, bargaining... the anger, frustration, sadness... That doesn't change it. It may make things worse.

But I have someone to thank for that. For realizing it, rather. I didn't know how good a friend she was, but she may well have saved my life. If she hadn't been there just to talk to me, to try and help me through my own grief and sadness... I was going to swallow a whole bottle of tylenol pills. If she hadn't been there, I may not have been here to write this. She helped me realize, life goes on. It will hurt for a while, but theres no gaurentees that being dead would stop the pain. Thank you, Rachel. From the very bottom of my heart and soul. I owe you my life.

At first, I didn't want to stay friends with my girlfriend... Well, ex-girlfriend, I guess. Its gonna be hard getting used to that. I thought it'd hurt too much, being friends with someone I wanted so much to be more than friends with. But, if she still wants to be friends with me... I would be more than happy to call myself her friend. I can't tell her I won't still love her, and I can't even in good conscience say I wouldn't be jealous of whatever man that has/will pick her up. But I want to be her friend. She's been my best friend for so long, I don't think I can just lose her. Its time for me to grow up a little bit. I can't have everything I want.

I still love you... and if you read this, I'm sorry. For a lot of things I could've done differently. I still want to be your friend. Please, just give me that chance. I won't make passes at you, I won't try to "begyou back," like the idiot I was earlier. That was stupid of me. Just give me that chance, and I will be eternally greatful to be able to call myself your friend.

Once more, I am forever in your debt, Rachel. I thank you, more than words can express.